Crazy

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Kids in the 21st century

Another jerk

J :"I have decided to go back to UK."

Me: "Oh? For good?"

J: "Yea, I think UK has mroe to offer..."

Me: "Oh ok, good.."

J: "Maybe you are right, I am not the type of guy for you..."

Me smiled.

J: "I will probably go back to UK in January."

Me silenced

***1 hour later***

For people who know me, I get quiet when I am angry, the angrier I get, the quieter I become...

J: "So whats your plan?"

Me: "what do you mean?"

J: "about life..."

Me: "Life goes on"

J: "oh...ermm...ok"

Me turned around, put my bag down..."Look J, what do you want me to say? what do you want from me now?"

J : "I like you but I have to go back to UK, if I get too attached to you, it will be difficult for me to go to UK.

Me: "Then what do you want me to say?"

J: "I really like to hang out with you, we can still go out sometiems"

Me grabbed my bag turned around "Its bad time to talk now, I am speechless, you are a selfish piece of shit"

J: "Is ok, take your time, I can wait..."

What is there to wait for? Maybe we can still be friends...but not at this moment.

Funny isn't it? We are not even bf/gf, we were just exploring if we fit one another.

But I am indeed angry coz he already thinking of going back to UK even before he met me.

Do you know where can I get this?

Hahahaha.... Very funny

Disorder in the American Courts:

These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


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Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, “Where am I Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

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Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By Death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Attorney: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law!

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Typo

Sat afternoon, happily eating my sinful KFC chicken popcorn.....

On MSN...

L: "Hey what r u doing later?"

Me: "Sleep...i am sleepy"

L :" What did you do?"

Me: "Woke up early to go to Leederville to have my sex....only went to bed at 2am this morning."

L :" Got your sex? What!!?"

Me :" Damn.. I mean wax...."

L :"Geeez.... what r u thinking?"

Me :"Shut up...."

I am so embarrassed!

Money money

I was hanging out with M in one of the pubs in Subi, chatting and drinking.....

M: "Hey, my friend is there, I'll go over and say hi.."

Me: "Ok"

==== 5 minutes later====

M: "Hey Jane, meet my friend A and his friend S..."

Me: "Hello, nice meeting you..."

=== typical social conversation ===

S: "Hey Jane, what do you do?"

Me: "I do....blablabla"

S: "Great, can I have your contacts? I may have someone wishing to come to Perth."

Me: "Sure...my email is....."

=== 3 weeks later ===

Email from S :"Hey Jane, remember me? I am blablabla, do you wanna catch up for a drink? I think you are very interesting."

Reply from me :" Yes, I remember you. But sorry I don't think I can meet you for drinks."

S: "Are you single? You looking for a partner? Maybe we cna meet for some fun? You like to be spoilt?"

Me:" Sorry but I am not interested"

S: "What if I spoil you with some money?

=== curiousity arise===

Me: "How much can you offer?"

S: "$450 for the first hour, $250 for every other hour"

=== the end===

Ok, put it this way... he wasn't the first guy who offered me $$$ for sex but no one ever offer me an hourly rate before.

Once, a man is his 60s offered me RM5k to spend a night with him...

Another time, a married man offered me RM10k a month to be his mistress, with apartment and car.

Of course, I did not accept any of those offers, I can support myself very well, why the hell I need them to give me money?

Just an interesting encouter for this week....

Not sure I shall be happy that there is someone willing to pay me for sex or feel sad that people is treating me as a hooker.... kanasai

Interesting...

Sometimes, I am cofused....

I thought I wanted something, then I worked towards getting it; when I got it, I didnt think I really needed it; I threw it away, I bloody regretted threwing it.... Is that what we call LIFE?

Anyway, had a 'girls' night out last night; we talked about kinky stuff that people do in bed.

A friend of mine, tried Strawberry low fat cream and beer..... I think of beer, I wanna puke... beer on human body and you lick it. Can you imagine that?

C then said cream on body can go off because the body heat will change the smell of the cream. Eeeeekkkkkk. She said mango slices on human body is fantastic.... ok, summer is coming, get your mangoes guys!

I suggested honey? No, I didn't try honey before! I am not THAT kinky... they said yucks, honey is too sweet and too thick....

Strawberry jam then, but an episode of House was talking about a gal contracted infection on her vagina simply because they ran out of lubricant when she last had sex with her bf, they decided to use Strawberry jam. Bingo, infection happened there....

Then I told the girls, the act in bed is a hassle, why do people still wanna do the "extras"? Hahaha we probably talked too loud, we were sitting outside Gelare in Northbridge... the guys behind me were listening and watching I guess, I could feel it... hehe

Anyway, just watch what you put on your body or your beloved's body.

Why do people always put sweet tasting thing? Why not savoury? Blue cheese? Wasabi? Tomato sauce?

Ok, you probably can tell I dont feel very sexual now.. Wasabi, oh my... Ain't I creative?

Old Entry from Xanga

So I was reading my old blog on Xanga and found this funny entry. Written on January 2005. Enjoy!

Phew! I am tired coz jusst finished cleaning the tv area and filed all all the vcds and dvds we have.

OK! The only thing that I hate about Chinese New Year is spring clean! Why oh why! Why must only clean right before Chinese New Year?

Ok, I was assigned to clear all all the vcds and dvds that we stacked up near the TV area by my mom. Oh well, I supposed it wasnt a tough job so I agreed.

So this morning, I started clearing the cds after my breakfast. Then I found a big plastic bag full of PS games, then my father decided to go through them and see if there are any nice games. So he started picking up a few games and turned on his playstation.

So, both of us were sitting in the living room, me putting the cds into the plastic folders while my dad trying his PS games. Of course! I watched him play while I was clearing the cds.

Me:"What game is this? What are u suppose to do?"

Dad:"I dont know. I think I am suppose to shoot the space shuttles."

Me:"OH.. quick quick shoot.. there is one. Iyah.. faster lah... why you walk here and there.. just shoot lah!"

Dad:" Cannot aim lah.. he keep shooting the ground... don't know how to shoot up.."

Me:" I think you are suppose to jump then shoot.."

Dad:" How to jump oh? Stupid!"

Me:"Iyah.. only 4 buttons... try each and every single one."

******Game Over******

Dad:"F*** You. Stupid game"

Me:"Iyah.. you dont know how to play lah... not the game stupid, you stupid."

-------------------------------------------------------------
So, my dad gave up and moved on to another fishing game. As usual, one controller, two players.

Dad:"Ey, how to start?"

Me:"Press start loh."

Dad:"Oh.. cannot.. iyah.. try X"

Dad:"Wei, how come no fish. Waited for so long still no fish.."

Me:"Go to another spot lah. Move the boat.."

Dad:"OH, can move one.. Ohoh got fish already."

Me:"Quic quick.. reel.. becareful.. dont break"

*****Fish Lost*****

Dad:#$%@$@%$%#

Mom:"OOoi.. I asked you two to clean not play. Wei, you help your daughter lah, dont just sit there and play...."

===================================================
Hehehehhee... my dad kena from my mom lah. Coz I was clearing while watching. Have mah. Now, we have finally finished cleaning. Have to go out later with my mom to buy some cd casings and bowls.

I just told my dad PS1 is very very old and no more games. He is considering to buy PS2. Heheheheheh

Cheers!

Me and My Mom again

Mom: "Ey girl, remember when you left that time, you told me that you left a jar of facial mask in the fridge, you asked me to use, dont waste it."

Me: "Huh? Did I?"

Mom :" yea, that day I found a jar of thing in the fridge, looks like facial mask. Is it the one you left?"

Me: "Please... I left in February, you expect me to remember till now? I couldnt even remember what did I have for lunch last week."

Mom:" Iyah, that jar...the thing in there abit rough rough..sandy"

Me: "Ok, you put that on your face for 10 mins, wash it off. If no red thigns pop up on your face the next day, thats mean it is safe and it probably IS a facial mask."

Mom: "...... 你驶唔驶这样？"

Me: "hahahahahahahaaaa...throw it away la, so long already."

Mom: "Okok"

Thought of the week

I have been very very frustrated lately, I hate almost everything in my life, was very close to quiting my job, pack my bag and go back to Malaysia for a long holiday.

Then I read an article in the Orientalpost, written by Helen Wei, that article changed my perception and started to thinklife isn't too bad after all.

从前有一位大师要远游， 嘱咐弟子好好看着他的兰花。师父平日视兰花如命，弟子不敢怠慢。
师父不在的日子，弟子们轮流松土，施肥，浇水。兰花一点也不比师父在家的时候差。

一天半夜，忽然刮起狂风，下起暴雨。尽管弟子们闻风而起，但是待他们来到院中时， 兰花已经被打得七零八落， 一片狼藉。回山后，弟子们胆战心惊地站在师父面前等待受罚。

但是师父只是和他们笑谈一路上的风土人情，奇闻趣事，绝口不提兰花的事。

有一位弟子忍不住，：‘师父，您的兰花没了，您怎么不生气？’

师父意味深长地说：‘我当时可不是为了生气才种兰花的啊！”

不是为了生气才种兰花，那么我们是为了伤心才寻找爱情吗？为了满腹牢骚采工作吗？为了怨气冲天才活着吗？

活着本来是一件再美好不过的事，可是偏偏有些人， 动不动就怨天尤人，好像生活就是受苦受罪。 如果真的有一天要取消他们在世界存活的资格，他们是会欢呼雀跃或是痛哭流涕？

伤心郁闷和失意抱怨不会让生活的方向改变。生活的目的， 以及因生活而产生的一切事物， 都是为了幸福和快乐。

如果因未达到目的而伤心难过，那么我们的辛苦，我们的努力，我们的爱与悲哀，不是从一开始就成了错的吗?

I am not sure if everyone understands this, I tend to whine alot sometimes, about work and stuff. After reading this article, I told myself not to whine anymore (though it is hard sometimes), whenever I feel like complainging about soemthing, I will read this article again.

Really, living in this world is wonderful, except the terrorits bombings and natural disasters. Sometimes, the world does seem better if we look from another angle.

I got stood up by a guy the other night and I was very upset; then I started to think of this lady that I know.

Lets call her S.

Aunt S's husband walked out from the family when their daughter was 8, he took all the money, cleared the house. Aunt S was left with nothing to raise her daughter, for the past 20 years she did not meet another man and raised her daughter by herself, living in the same old house which she and the husband rented 20 years ago, and they are still renting it.

Today, aunt S is just like any other middle aged woman, she goes to church, attend gathering, walk her doggy, play mahjong......

Then I compared my "stood up" situation and her "husband gone for ever with all the money", I didn't feel bad anymore.

That's my way of comforting myself, when bad things happen, I will recall the worse things that happened to the people around me, then I would feel better cause there's someone watching over me and things havent been THAT bad yet.

Kids Problem

My sister been bugging me on which primary school is best for my nephew.

Hello!? I will have to worry about that when I have my own kids, please dont bug me now. Moreover I dont really care abt primary school, I think all the schools are the same, they teach the same syllabus, I will be more concerned about the facilities like clean environment, air cond, computers, safe play ground /field, hot guys, er... i mean good looking people who dont irritate my eye sight...anyway!

She wanted to send him to my former primary school, which is a very popular Chinese primary school.

Now she decided to send him to another sorta popular primary school which is freakign far away, ok, not that far but the trafiic jam will kill you.

Sigh, deepest condolences to my nephew. Your grace period is over, 18 years of mental torture is ahead waiting for you.........

Whenever I see kids throwing tantrum on the street in public places, I will remind myself "Use a condom!"

Bad kisser

Wei came to the office in the evening, we planned to have dinner at my favourite Hawkers. Then, boss asked me how did all my dates go, then I started telling about T.

So what happened to T and me?

Last Tuesday:
Met up T to have dinner at his place. He tried to get physical, I pushed him away. He asked me out again, I said I will be busy till Sunday and I will see how.

Last Wednesday:
T smsed me "What am I to you in this friendship?"
Me : "Lets meet and have coffee tomorrow night. We need to talk"

Last Thursday:
Me :"Lets take thigns slow, I barely know you and you barely know me. I am not sure if I am ready for another relationship."
T: "Ok..."
T: "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?"
Me : %#$%#$#$..you idiot..which part of the conversation you dont understand

So T called me on Friday, Saturday and Sunday to ask me out even I have already told him I am busy! I told him next week is better, fair enough he called on Monday! I said I want to stay at home to have a few quiet nights.

He stopped calling for 2 days and Wei jinxed it yesterday and T really called on Thursday, I left the phone ringing. He is a stalker! Boss said "Red flag red flag"! Bloody right.

So, I was telling them that T is a bad kisser. Why did I kiss him? Coz I was mad! I was seriously mad.... oh well, he was extremely sweet and good looking at the beginning but then I realised he is not my cup of tea.

Then boss and Wei think bad kissers are bad in bed. Somehow I think it is true, if you dont know how to use your lips/mouth, how can we expect you to know how to use your 'lil bro'?

Boss and I agree, 8/10 men think they are good kisser and 8/10 men think they are good in bed. 9/10 times a woman has to fake orgasm, looking at the paint on the ceiling, thinking when the paint going to dry. Women tend to make the men feel they are great, why? Because we dont want to bloody waste our time moaning and faking.

If you are a man and think "gee... I am nvr like that", please, you wouldn't even know if your gf/wife is faking it. Talk to them if you want to know the truth.

Why do women fake it really? Women want affection and passion, rather than action. We do not mind giving up action to protect our beloved's manhood as long as we have alot of passion and affection. Get it?