Growing Up

For 6 months since beginning of this year, I went through a very rough time. I was very depressed, not motivated and often thinking my life was full of misery.

One of my friends made a statement, "what happened to the strong Jane?".

My sister asked me the same thing. I was puzzled as well, I kept asking myself what happened to me?

I remember when I was younger, especially in my teenage, I was a very strong, determined person. Whenever I was hurt, I refused to shed a tear, because I believed that the only way to repel your enemies was to be stronger than them and do not let them believe they could defeat me. I refused to show my emotions, especially when I was upset.

In relationships, whenever a relationship was failing, I was always the one who requested break up because I refused to forgive, refused to change, refused to compromise. After a relationship failed, I walked away without sheding a tear, and told myself to live better than him, to be a better person than him, to be more successful than him.

As I get older, my thoughts have changed, I have grown "weaker". I allow my emotions to take reveal, I allow myself to cry when I am upset. Most important of all, I have became more forgiving, I tend to forgive and forget.

I have also became more compassionate, and more expressive with my feelings. I found it easier to tell my bf and friends that I love them, I talk to my mom and sis more often about what happens to me, I will ask for help now when I can't do something.

To be honest, I am liking the current "me". I feel that I am really living life now, allowing myself to experience the different emotions; though it may not be happy emotion all the time, but I am enjoying the time when I can look back and think "Wow..., those were some shitty times...." and smile because I have gone through it.

I learned that being strong does not mean holding all emotions and not let them appear on our expression. Be strong, be strong to allow yourself to feel how you should feel, but not letting your emotions to take over your senses. Be strong to express your emotions ......