Friday, April 28, 2006

What's wrong with me

I have no idea what's wrong with me lately; I keep making mistakes at work, not major mistakes but enough to ruin my professionalism and I keep getting up late and either late for work or just on time.

Not sure if it is the emotional stress; the break up, the family problem and my study....

Some people said I broke up at the wrong timing... I was wondering, is there a timing for break up? I didn't know there is expiration date for relationship.

I think maybe God wants me to be a stronger person and put all these challenges on me at one time. I am trying my best to take them all in and solve them one by one. Some problems are beyond my reach, I can only sit back and see how they go.

I think the worst thing is I can't talk to anyone about the problems because I have to keep them discrete and again, no one is obligated to listen to my shit.

This is a crappy post, nothing significant...just want to grumble

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Final Goodbye

It has been more than a week since the break up; I think I have accepted the fact that he is gone and I have to move on alone.

Thank you very much for all my friends who tried to comfort me and bring me out.... thanks guys and gals

Talked to many friends and they all think it is a waste; I think it is a waste too but all the memories we had will be precious and treasured.

Maybe we will be two parallel lines forever or we may cross one day in the future; we don't know but lets leave it in God's hands.

If he finds another girl, I wish him all the best truthfully from the bottom of my heart.

Currently, I am trying to put it behind me and move one, it is tough but I think I can overcome it.

Here, I wish him all the best in everything he does, especially in his career and hope that one day we can meet again; maybe in Singapore, maybe in Perth. I hope that at that time, we can still give one another a big smile, a big hug and say 'Howdy?'.

Good night and good bye....

Saturday, April 22, 2006


I think I am obsessed with him...

I can't stop thinking......

Sometimes, I couldnt control but to sms him or even call him...... sometimes he will ignore them

I thought I have stopped crying; but... I just can't help myself.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Maybe I shall leave Perth.....

No, I don't hate Perth but I feel sad wherever I go because everywhere will remind me of something.....

Listened to Wei, went shopping last night; I went to Carousel....bad choice

It was there we held hands for the very first time, when I walked passed the store where we held our hands, I felt like crying......

I saw a store having sales on nice men Polo-T, then I thought 'oooo will be nice for him to wear to work', I went up and checked out; suddenly it striked me that he no longer need me to take care of him and I am in no position to do that anymore.

I was thinking to change location and go to Garden City; but then again we been to Garden City more than Carousel so it will only be worse.

Last night... in my dream... a few scenes pop up......conversations that we had

'Darling, can you iron my shirt? I don't know why but the more I iron, the more lines I get'

'Darling, can you rub my head?' '' "I teach you'

'Darling, sorry lah, I shouldn't have said that to you..' 'Dump you ah!'

'Darling, carry me...' 'Cannot, you just had dinner..... I scare I will drop you' 'Louya lah you'

'Darling, let's play the 7 game, loser has to let the other tickles for 1 minute' 'Dont want, you bully me' ' Wahahahaha'

'Darling, don't angry lah, I let you tickle ok?' 'Ok, but you must lie down with your arms open, cannot dodge and must laugh' 'Huh....cannot lah!'

Is there a memory eraser?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Every night, I cry myself to sleep, before I fall asleep, I hope that everythign was a dream, tomorrow will be fine and will be the same like last time.

The next morning, I realise that it was not a dream, the man who told me he loves me forever is gone and he is not coming back.

I am exhausted...

Used all my strength to hold my tears when I talked to my parents and my sister.....

Used my strength to concentrate at work and smile in front of my colleagues.

Used all my strength to hold my tears when I was talking to him

Used all my strength to pretend nothing has happened in front of my friends

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

i don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And i don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But i don't wanna be the one to cry

That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now i could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain

And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where i used to lay

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Break Down

If 100 is my break down point, I think I am at 99.

Heart broken now because just ended my 3 years relationship with the man that I thought I will spend my life with.

Worried sick because one of my grand aunt; who used to make alot of pretty dresses for me when I was young is diagnosed with 2nd/3rd stage breasts cancer; had her mastectomy yesterday, waiting for results now. The bad news is, the doctor said she cannot have Chemo as her body is very weak, she will not survive thru Chemo.

Sister told me she is having a crisis.....worried for her also. I have to stand by to give her whatever help she needs.

Man, just when I thought my world is falling apart..... there are other parts falling on me as well.

I think I am going to break down soon..... some friends said I am strong, they know I will pull through; but I am no superwoman.....

Thank you

Thank you for everything.
I remember when I was a kid, my father will be going round telling other kids and even my relatives not to make me cry coz I will have breathing problem. The doctor didnt classify that as Asthma.

I thought that problem has long gone but the familiar feeling kicked in yesterday evening..... Forced myself to take deep breath and lied quietly on bed.

Talked to my best friend; told her for years.... I thought I have forgotten how heart break feels, but it is all coming back to me now.

It was very kind of her to offer herself to be my gf if I intend to be a lesbian. I promised to keep the seat for her. My mom was freak out when I told her that I may consider my friend's suggestion.

I feel like running away but I have far too many responsibilities at this moment, I cant leave this place till end of July.

Will I give up my PR to go back to KL? Don't think I will do it, at least not in the next 2-3 years. Boss is signing new contract with me.

The saddest thing is; I realised that HE doesnt care anymore.

Now I totally understand why do some people say "Loving one another doesn't mean you can be together".....

Monday, April 17, 2006

My heart is aching with filmstrips of images running in my mind.

Took out the picture that I kept in my wallet.......

Took out all the cards that HE gave me...... those that HE hide around my room

Dust the gigantic Forever Friends bear that HE bought me.. time to put it in a corner or maybe donate to a toys library

Took out the shirts HE left here, some still have HIS scent; smell that ease my mind

Watched the clip that HE did for me for our 2nd yr anniversary, saw pictures that sent me to memory lane again

Went through all the pictures we took together, burnt them together with the clip onto a CD and deleted them from my computer.

Put the ring that HE bought back in to the jewellery box, I can never bear to wear it again.

Broke the news to my parents; mom took it easily.... she said she understand how I feel, she asked me to be more cautious when looking for a partner next time. Dad said he didnt think he has to teach me what to do because I am an adult now and he respects whatever decision I make.

Aunt said she knew it is hard, especially when we are so far apart, unable to be there for one another at crucial times.

Memories Lane

Last night......I did

1. I went to the church that he used to go when he was in Perth, sometimes I would tag along, attempt to learn more about his religion. Again, I didnt feel I belong to that place, it was odd that HE was not sitting beside me, holding my hands to make me feel more comfortable.

2. I walked around Northbridge, remembering the silly night we had; refused to drive to Northbridge, we took bus.. walking hands in hands like 2 highschool kids on their second date.

3. I went to Kings Park...cliche....thats the place we always go when we feel like having quiet and romantic moments. It was there we became an item.

4. I went to Murdoch.....drove along the road in front of the house HE lived. Drove around uni car park, remembered that there was the time when HE bought me lunch, sitting and waiting in front of my lecture hall in a terribly cold weather.

5. I roamed around the house and remembered the times when HE came over in the middle of the night because I was not feeling well and accompanied me till morning to bring me to doctor.

6. I talked to Sam, I apologised to Sam that now HE will no longer come and visit him and play with him. For the first time, Sam rest his head on my shoulder.

Today I will......

Pack everything into a box and seal it...... and put it in a special corner under my bed.


Decision Made

Yes, I have decided and he has decided.

We both decided that this is the end.

Please do not ask me why, all I can say is we no longer on the same page and things have changed.

I am indeed very heart broken but the best remedy is to be alone and cry my heart out.

Dont try to ask me to cheer up because I can't.

Thank you very much

Sunday, April 16, 2006


Have you ever asked yourself whats the foundation of a relationship? A marriage?

It never came across me that Religion is a prerequisite of a marriage, I always thought the prerequisite should be LOVE, RESPECT, COMMITMENT and PROMISES.

Apparently Religion will put two person with different beliefs in different pages and you cant marry one person if both of you are not on the same page.

Mom and Dad always taught me that all religions are similar, they meant the same thing... I think that's why their marriage is still in tact, because they believe in the same thing. Of course they would quarrel like Cats and Dogs sometimes, but everything fell back on their commitment/respect/love to one another, it didnt fall back on RELIGION.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


Bike Riding

I have started bike riding 2 weeks ago, got Felix to help me to get a very basic, 'my-height' mountain bike.

Learning how to balance the bike while going on the straight, forward direction is a challenge, I fell, crashed, got bruises.... and finally managed to cycle in a straight line now.... However, still need to brush up my skill as I just crashed into a bush the other night. Yes, laugh.. go ahead and laugh your heart out.

Olives Picking

Went to my boss's house on Sunday afternoon for an Olives Picking party. 20 people were picking the olives from the trees... the harvest was great! We were served a 5 course Italian cuisine....and homemade ice-ceram!

The peak of that event is having the Sports Minister sitting beside me eating and chatting... I taught him how to slit the olives lol and his wife is a lovely quiet lady.

Migration Course

I have started studying for my migration qualification, the first module is to get familiar with all the terminologies used in law, especially migration law. What's the differences between parliament, executive and judiciary? OMG..... I wanted to cry when I found out that I have to at least understand, memorise how does the government work.

I force myself to study at least 2 hours every night before I sleep, so far so good. Hope that I can keep up with the determination.

Parasite Baby

Watched Medical Innovation (I think) last night before I fell asleep, they were talking about fetus in fitro (or something similar, tried to Google but couldnt find). Basically is another fetus growing in a baby's body. The program showed some rather disturbing pictures I would say, it definitely affected my decision of having 3 kids.

Parasite Baby

Friday, April 07, 2006


My boss hired me an assistant to help me with my overwhelming workload.

How overwhelming? I have to juggle between 32 new clients at the moment and with some old clients.

On top of that, I am starting my course next Monday. I got all the course materials 3 days ago, all 2800 pages of them, no I dont have to memorise all 2800 pages, but I have to get familiar with them.

I conducted a few interviews to select the best candidate to be my assistant and I met a few interesting candidate....

One ..... sent me a blank email with only her resume attached, no cover letter, no message....she expected me to understand her intension.

One.... wear denim mini skirt + sandal, holding mobile, wallet and keys in hand to interview. All her replies consist no more than 3 words.

One ..... fresh grad, no permanent residency and expect me to pay her $30 an hour. I told her sorry that I won't pay $30 when she does not have any related working experience. She ended up accepting my offer and I hired her.

It was funny during the 2nd interview how my boss emphasized to the interviwee that she has to report directly to me and do as she's told.... Suddenly, I felt pretty pressured to have a person directly under me... basically I have to wipe their shit when they make mistakes.

Just finished a drama about lawyers and family; did I mention that when I was only 5, everyone in the family thought that I should be a lawyer when I grow up coz I am so good in arguing with others. I did think I should become a lawyer, but I gave up when I found up that I have to study damn alot to become one. LOL Yes I am a lazy person.

Thank God is Friday!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

10 things I learned

These are the things that I learned in the past, just want to list them down to remind myself and share with my friends.

1. Do not try to multitask when you are holding a knife.

2. It is ok to answer your bf's mobile. Many companies are paying someone to answer their phones, so why can't you answer your bf's mobile when they are busy doing other things?

3. Money cannot buy everything in this world; but everything costs money.

4. If a relationship isn't happy and fun at the beginning, then it will never be happy and fun the next minute /day /month /years....

5. Every religion is good, but their marketing departments may not be.

6. If you have the slightest doubt when making a decision, leave it and attend to it after a moment.

7. Live for yourself.

8. Parents are not the smartest person in the world; but they know more than the children.

9. Don't take TOMORROW for granted, we may not live till Tomorrow

10. Think before you speak